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Spooky Christmas-Fic
Dec. 8th, 2023 11:40 amThe last couple of years I've managed to write a muppet fic for the holidays. So, here's this year's! Enjoy!
Spooky Christmas
Rating: G
Series: The Muppets
Summary:
It's time for the muppets to plan the annual Christmas show, however, Sam objects to the typical muppet style. Thankfully, Uncle Deadly has other suggestions.
Kermit hummed as he sat at the head table with his clipboard. He did a quick count of the chattering heads spread out around the table and it seemed everyone was here. He didn’t see the Swedish Chef, but he knew he was busy preparing snacks for break.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Okay, settle down,” Kermit called out.
The chattering continued.
“I said settle down please.”
Talking still continued.
“I said-”
“EVERYONE, SHUT UP!” Piggy shouted as she sprang from her seat next to him.
Silence swiftly fell upon the room.
Kermit cleared his throat. “Uh, thank you, Piggy.”
“Welcome, Kermie,” she said with a smile as she sat back down.
“Now then,” Kermit started as he held up his clipboard. “It’s time to start planning our annual Christmas show. So, time for brainstorming. Any ideas?”
“How about we throw fish, but they’re covered in candy canes,” said Lew Zealand as he tossed a fish in the air and then it came flying back.
Sam huffed under his breath in his seat near the end of the table.
“Um, we’ll put a pin in that for now,” Kermit replied.
“How about a holiday rock concert,” said Doctor Teeth.
“That’s a good suggestion, but we did that last year,” Kermit replied.
“My ears are still ringing from that horrendous cacophony,” Sam muttered.
“I got a great idea for an act,” Gonzo cried. “I dance in a bucket of sugar plums, while twenty tinsel cannons go off.”
Sam’s grumblings grew louder. “Of all the ridiculous-”
“Um..we’ll also, put a pin in that one,” Kermit replied.
“I have a suggestion,” said Piggy. “I think this year we should do a play.”
“Oh?” asked Kermit. “What kind are you thinking of?”
“A classic, Pride and Prejudice .”
Kermit blinked. “Um, Piggy, that’s not really a holiday story.”
Piggy grinned as she batted her eyes. “It can be if we include mistletoe.”
Kermit felt sceptical, but he could hear everyone beginning to toss ideas around it. It honestly was the best suggestion so far.
Gonzo raised his hand. “Can I use my tinsel canons?!”
Kermit stared at him. “Tinsel canons? For Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice .” He gave a deep sigh. “Yes, you can use tinsel canons.”
“Woot!”
“Well, okay,” Kermit said as he started to write on his clipboard. “If everyone is for it we can-”
“I OBJECT,” Sam said as he slammed his wing on the table. “This nonsense can go on no longer.”
Piggy glared. “What’s your problem?!”
Sam glared back as he leaned over the table. “My problem is that every year we put out some tomfoolery that we call a ‘Holiday Performance’. I say it’s time we do a Christmas show the traditional and American way with proper holiday symbols like Frosty, reindeer and Santa!”
The group began to groan and protest.
“But EVERYONE does those,” Fozzie replied
“Si,” Pepe snapped, “and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a repeat of the snowman fiasco, okay?”
“No kidding,” Floyd called out. “Animal still get nightmares from it.”
Animal shivered. “So...cold.”
“If the floor is open,” Uncle Deadly said with his seat next to Piggy’s. “I may be able to provide some unique alternatives.”
Kermit frowned. “Oh, yeah? Like what?”
“It better not be more flying fish,” Sam muttered.
“Have you ever heard the Icelandic tale of the Yule Cat?” asked Uncle Deadly.
Kermit frowned puzzled. “I can’t say that I have?”
“I haven’t,” said Rizzo, “but anything that involves the word ‘cat’ instantly makes me suspicious.”
“The story goes,” Uncle Deadly continued, “on Christmas Eve the Yule Cat comes down from it’s home in the mountains to check to see if people are wearing new clothes.”
“Hmm,” Sam muttered, “not quite Santa, but I can appreciate a creature making sure people are properly suited for the occasion.”
Kermit continued to stare at Deadly. “And what happens if a person doesn't get new clothes?”
Uncle Deadly waved a hand. “Oh, it eats them.”
Sam choked. “What?”
“Ha! Called it,” Rizzo called.
Kermit felt a tug on his arm and glanced down at Robin.
“Uncle Kermit, am I going to have to start wearing pants?” he asked.
“I have a feeling the Yule Cat isn’t going to check on frogs,” he said quietly.
“That is horrible,” Sam bellowed.
Uncle Deadly gave a shrug. “Well, I have heard modern versions say the Yule Cat makes a mess of the house rather than consuming it’s inhabitants.”
“Hey, we could do stuff with that,” Rowlf said. “Make jokes about it clawing the curtains, it can’t deciding if it wants inside or out-”
“And,” Fozzie cut in as he raised a hand, “I got a lot of cat jokes that would be purrfect! Eh? Eh?”
“His jokes sure seem like something the cat dragged in!” Statler yelled while Waldorf laughed.
Kermit gave a nod. “Okay, we can use the Yule Cat-”
“Certainly, not,” Sam said sharply. “We can not endorse feline misdemeanour!”
Uncle Deadly drummed his fingers on the table in thought. “If that’s not your ‘cup of tea’, I suppose there are the Yule Lads.”
“And who are they?” Sam asked suspiciously.
“13 brothers who each come to visit home on the last 13 nights leading up to Christmas.” He folded his hands together as he leaned forward. “Children leave their shoes on windowsills and in return the lads will leave small gifts and a rotten potato in ones that have been naughty.”
Sam mulled this over. “That’s much more palatable. What are their names?”
“I don’t recall the exact order, but one of them is called Spoon-Licker.”
Sam froze as Kermit looked on curiously.
“What?” said Sam.
“Another is called Pot-Scraper, Door-Slammer, Sasuage-Swiper-”
“Those are horrible names!” Sam snapped.
“They are a bit of an odd choice,” Kermit replied.
Uncle Deadly raised a finger. “To be fair, they’re named after the pranks they pull in the houses they visit.”
Sam massaged his forehead. “Of all the stupid...”
“What kind of mother gives them those kinds of names?” Piggy asked.
“Well, considering their mother is the child eating ogress Grýla, who hunts for disobedient children to throw into her stew pot, I imagine appropriate names is not her top priority.” He paused and raised a hand. “I should mention she’s also the owner of the Yule Cat.”
“Interesting family,” Piggy replied, darkly.
Kermit tapped his chin. “Well, if we hold back on some of the child eating stuff-”
“No,” Sam growled.
“Then how about the Krampus?” Uncle Deadly suggested.
Sam sighed. “He’s not another member of the Lad family is he?”
Uncle Deadly placed a hand over his chest. “Certainly not, he is a companion of Santa Claus.”
“Oh, that’s better,” Sam said as he eased up. “He helps deliver the toys?”
Uncle Deadly waved a hand back and forth. “Yes and no. He does ride with Santa, but while Old Saint Nick hands out toys to good children, the Krampus whips the bad ones with branches and sticks.”
Sam buried his face into his wings. “Why am I not even surprised?”
“There are even some darker stories that say he throws them into his basket to take them back to his lair to eat them.”
Sam glared at him. “I’m rather concerned about how often cannibalism is coming up in these stories.”
“It’s not cannibalism though,” said Scooter. “I mean ‘cannibalism’ is when a person eats their own kind, and these creatures aren’t human so it’s just people eating.”
“Wait, hold it,” Bobo said as he sipped his coffee. “If we ate each other would that be cannibalism? I mean, we’re different creatures but we’re also all ‘the muppets’ so-”
“I’m going to stop you there before you go further down that rabbit hole,” Kermit said before turning back to Uncle Deadly. “Still, if we tone down some aspects we might be able to-”
“Why are you even considering this?!” Sam snapped. “Dangerous felines? Ruffians breaking into houses to lick spoons? What does any of that have to do with Christmas?!”
“Because there are people that do rather enjoy the spooky side to Christmas,” Kermit replied.
Sam blinked dazed. “Spooky side to Christmas? What are you talking about?!”
“Well, the holidays take place on the longest, coldest and darkest nights of the year,” Kermit said. “Isn’t it only natural that people find that a bit scary and make up stories to deal with it?”
“It’s true,” Bunsen chimed in. “The traditions of Yule are said to go back centuries.”
Beaker cleared his throat. “Meep, meep, meep! Meep, meep, meep. Meep. Meep, meep, meep. Meep, meep, meep? Meep!”
Everyone gave a unanimous applause.
“Well spoken,” said Uncle Deadly, “that was truly profound.”
“Indeed,” Bunsen said as he patted Beaker’s shoulder. “I do love it when you use your anthropology knowledge.”
“Nevertheless,” snapped Sam. “We are Americans and therefore we should do an American Christmas play. We should do A Christmas Carol .”
“Um, I do love A Christmas Carol ,” said Gonzo, “but we’ve done it a million times.”
“Yeah, we want something new,” said Rizzo.
“But it is American and has none of this dark Christmas stuff,” Sam stated firmly.
“A Christmas Carol?” Kermit said blankly. “The one written by a British author that is about three ghosts haunting a man to change his ways? That A Christmas Carol?”
“And let’s not forget how the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come is a grim symbol of our fear of mortality and grappling with death.”
Everyone turned to Fozzie stunned.
He shrugged. “What? Can’t a bear appreciate the classics?”
“Sure, he can,” said Waldorf.
“They’re as old as your jokes,” said Statler as both the old men laughed.
Sam gave a deep defeated sigh as he turned to Kermit. “Pride and Prejudice it is.”
“Great,” said Kermit. “Now how many cannons do we need?”
Spooky Christmas
Rating: G
Series: The Muppets
Summary:
It's time for the muppets to plan the annual Christmas show, however, Sam objects to the typical muppet style. Thankfully, Uncle Deadly has other suggestions.
Kermit hummed as he sat at the head table with his clipboard. He did a quick count of the chattering heads spread out around the table and it seemed everyone was here. He didn’t see the Swedish Chef, but he knew he was busy preparing snacks for break.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Okay, settle down,” Kermit called out.
The chattering continued.
“I said settle down please.”
Talking still continued.
“I said-”
“EVERYONE, SHUT UP!” Piggy shouted as she sprang from her seat next to him.
Silence swiftly fell upon the room.
Kermit cleared his throat. “Uh, thank you, Piggy.”
“Welcome, Kermie,” she said with a smile as she sat back down.
“Now then,” Kermit started as he held up his clipboard. “It’s time to start planning our annual Christmas show. So, time for brainstorming. Any ideas?”
“How about we throw fish, but they’re covered in candy canes,” said Lew Zealand as he tossed a fish in the air and then it came flying back.
Sam huffed under his breath in his seat near the end of the table.
“Um, we’ll put a pin in that for now,” Kermit replied.
“How about a holiday rock concert,” said Doctor Teeth.
“That’s a good suggestion, but we did that last year,” Kermit replied.
“My ears are still ringing from that horrendous cacophony,” Sam muttered.
“I got a great idea for an act,” Gonzo cried. “I dance in a bucket of sugar plums, while twenty tinsel cannons go off.”
Sam’s grumblings grew louder. “Of all the ridiculous-”
“Um..we’ll also, put a pin in that one,” Kermit replied.
“I have a suggestion,” said Piggy. “I think this year we should do a play.”
“Oh?” asked Kermit. “What kind are you thinking of?”
“A classic, Pride and Prejudice .”
Kermit blinked. “Um, Piggy, that’s not really a holiday story.”
Piggy grinned as she batted her eyes. “It can be if we include mistletoe.”
Kermit felt sceptical, but he could hear everyone beginning to toss ideas around it. It honestly was the best suggestion so far.
Gonzo raised his hand. “Can I use my tinsel canons?!”
Kermit stared at him. “Tinsel canons? For Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice .” He gave a deep sigh. “Yes, you can use tinsel canons.”
“Woot!”
“Well, okay,” Kermit said as he started to write on his clipboard. “If everyone is for it we can-”
“I OBJECT,” Sam said as he slammed his wing on the table. “This nonsense can go on no longer.”
Piggy glared. “What’s your problem?!”
Sam glared back as he leaned over the table. “My problem is that every year we put out some tomfoolery that we call a ‘Holiday Performance’. I say it’s time we do a Christmas show the traditional and American way with proper holiday symbols like Frosty, reindeer and Santa!”
The group began to groan and protest.
“But EVERYONE does those,” Fozzie replied
“Si,” Pepe snapped, “and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a repeat of the snowman fiasco, okay?”
“No kidding,” Floyd called out. “Animal still get nightmares from it.”
Animal shivered. “So...cold.”
“If the floor is open,” Uncle Deadly said with his seat next to Piggy’s. “I may be able to provide some unique alternatives.”
Kermit frowned. “Oh, yeah? Like what?”
“It better not be more flying fish,” Sam muttered.
“Have you ever heard the Icelandic tale of the Yule Cat?” asked Uncle Deadly.
Kermit frowned puzzled. “I can’t say that I have?”
“I haven’t,” said Rizzo, “but anything that involves the word ‘cat’ instantly makes me suspicious.”
“The story goes,” Uncle Deadly continued, “on Christmas Eve the Yule Cat comes down from it’s home in the mountains to check to see if people are wearing new clothes.”
“Hmm,” Sam muttered, “not quite Santa, but I can appreciate a creature making sure people are properly suited for the occasion.”
Kermit continued to stare at Deadly. “And what happens if a person doesn't get new clothes?”
Uncle Deadly waved a hand. “Oh, it eats them.”
Sam choked. “What?”
“Ha! Called it,” Rizzo called.
Kermit felt a tug on his arm and glanced down at Robin.
“Uncle Kermit, am I going to have to start wearing pants?” he asked.
“I have a feeling the Yule Cat isn’t going to check on frogs,” he said quietly.
“That is horrible,” Sam bellowed.
Uncle Deadly gave a shrug. “Well, I have heard modern versions say the Yule Cat makes a mess of the house rather than consuming it’s inhabitants.”
“Hey, we could do stuff with that,” Rowlf said. “Make jokes about it clawing the curtains, it can’t deciding if it wants inside or out-”
“And,” Fozzie cut in as he raised a hand, “I got a lot of cat jokes that would be purrfect! Eh? Eh?”
“His jokes sure seem like something the cat dragged in!” Statler yelled while Waldorf laughed.
Kermit gave a nod. “Okay, we can use the Yule Cat-”
“Certainly, not,” Sam said sharply. “We can not endorse feline misdemeanour!”
Uncle Deadly drummed his fingers on the table in thought. “If that’s not your ‘cup of tea’, I suppose there are the Yule Lads.”
“And who are they?” Sam asked suspiciously.
“13 brothers who each come to visit home on the last 13 nights leading up to Christmas.” He folded his hands together as he leaned forward. “Children leave their shoes on windowsills and in return the lads will leave small gifts and a rotten potato in ones that have been naughty.”
Sam mulled this over. “That’s much more palatable. What are their names?”
“I don’t recall the exact order, but one of them is called Spoon-Licker.”
Sam froze as Kermit looked on curiously.
“What?” said Sam.
“Another is called Pot-Scraper, Door-Slammer, Sasuage-Swiper-”
“Those are horrible names!” Sam snapped.
“They are a bit of an odd choice,” Kermit replied.
Uncle Deadly raised a finger. “To be fair, they’re named after the pranks they pull in the houses they visit.”
Sam massaged his forehead. “Of all the stupid...”
“What kind of mother gives them those kinds of names?” Piggy asked.
“Well, considering their mother is the child eating ogress Grýla, who hunts for disobedient children to throw into her stew pot, I imagine appropriate names is not her top priority.” He paused and raised a hand. “I should mention she’s also the owner of the Yule Cat.”
“Interesting family,” Piggy replied, darkly.
Kermit tapped his chin. “Well, if we hold back on some of the child eating stuff-”
“No,” Sam growled.
“Then how about the Krampus?” Uncle Deadly suggested.
Sam sighed. “He’s not another member of the Lad family is he?”
Uncle Deadly placed a hand over his chest. “Certainly not, he is a companion of Santa Claus.”
“Oh, that’s better,” Sam said as he eased up. “He helps deliver the toys?”
Uncle Deadly waved a hand back and forth. “Yes and no. He does ride with Santa, but while Old Saint Nick hands out toys to good children, the Krampus whips the bad ones with branches and sticks.”
Sam buried his face into his wings. “Why am I not even surprised?”
“There are even some darker stories that say he throws them into his basket to take them back to his lair to eat them.”
Sam glared at him. “I’m rather concerned about how often cannibalism is coming up in these stories.”
“It’s not cannibalism though,” said Scooter. “I mean ‘cannibalism’ is when a person eats their own kind, and these creatures aren’t human so it’s just people eating.”
“Wait, hold it,” Bobo said as he sipped his coffee. “If we ate each other would that be cannibalism? I mean, we’re different creatures but we’re also all ‘the muppets’ so-”
“I’m going to stop you there before you go further down that rabbit hole,” Kermit said before turning back to Uncle Deadly. “Still, if we tone down some aspects we might be able to-”
“Why are you even considering this?!” Sam snapped. “Dangerous felines? Ruffians breaking into houses to lick spoons? What does any of that have to do with Christmas?!”
“Because there are people that do rather enjoy the spooky side to Christmas,” Kermit replied.
Sam blinked dazed. “Spooky side to Christmas? What are you talking about?!”
“Well, the holidays take place on the longest, coldest and darkest nights of the year,” Kermit said. “Isn’t it only natural that people find that a bit scary and make up stories to deal with it?”
“It’s true,” Bunsen chimed in. “The traditions of Yule are said to go back centuries.”
Beaker cleared his throat. “Meep, meep, meep! Meep, meep, meep. Meep. Meep, meep, meep. Meep, meep, meep? Meep!”
Everyone gave a unanimous applause.
“Well spoken,” said Uncle Deadly, “that was truly profound.”
“Indeed,” Bunsen said as he patted Beaker’s shoulder. “I do love it when you use your anthropology knowledge.”
“Nevertheless,” snapped Sam. “We are Americans and therefore we should do an American Christmas play. We should do A Christmas Carol .”
“Um, I do love A Christmas Carol ,” said Gonzo, “but we’ve done it a million times.”
“Yeah, we want something new,” said Rizzo.
“But it is American and has none of this dark Christmas stuff,” Sam stated firmly.
“A Christmas Carol?” Kermit said blankly. “The one written by a British author that is about three ghosts haunting a man to change his ways? That A Christmas Carol?”
“And let’s not forget how the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come is a grim symbol of our fear of mortality and grappling with death.”
Everyone turned to Fozzie stunned.
He shrugged. “What? Can’t a bear appreciate the classics?”
“Sure, he can,” said Waldorf.
“They’re as old as your jokes,” said Statler as both the old men laughed.
Sam gave a deep defeated sigh as he turned to Kermit. “Pride and Prejudice it is.”
“Great,” said Kermit. “Now how many cannons do we need?”
